Overnight?!?!

I am having a little dilemma.  Most will not see this as such, but I do.  My in-laws want to take Logan overnight this Saturday!  This comes at a time that Logan is waking every 2 hours (I still can’t find a reason for why this is) and I am getting little sleep at night as a result. 

Why is this a dilemma for me?  Well, because it’s already hard enough to be away from Logan all day everyday while I’m at work…then to give up a whole NIGHT without him.  I will miss him terribly.  I will be beside myself when I wake up in the middle of the night, waiting to hear those little pleas on the monitor from Logan to come and get him to feed him and put him back to sleep. 

What would I do with a WHOLE NIGHTS SLEEP?  It’s been so long since I’ve had such a thing.  Most think it’s been just 8 months since I had my last full nights sleep, but that is a dream.  Logan has always been an early riser, since about this time last year!  He would wake me up at about Midnight and then again around four in the morning when I was pregnant!  Let me tell you, things haven’t changed much since then.

So the obvious answer is to let his grandparents take him for that single night, that one night that I can snuggle up with my husband, with no monitor on, and sleep the whole night threw (though I know that won’t happen, my body is just too used to my current schedule).  The obvious answer is to let my boy have one night away from his parents now, so later we can take a trip (after his first birthday) without him and it won’t be a completely new thing for all of us.

So it sounds like I have made my mind up, I need to let go, I need to let my boy grow up a little bit more, and I need to let someone else care for him for that one night.  OH, it’s so hard to do this, but I know that I must at some point.  So, anyone out there going to be up at three in the morning on Sunday (Halloween)?  I know that I will be.  I’ll be waiting for those little pleas from the next room and trying to tell myself to go back to sleep and enjoy this treat of a full nights sleep.

The Brain Balance Achievement Center

Autism runs in my family. My Father has Asperger's. My 16 year old brother has Asperger's as well. My 6 year old brother has Autism. Two of my cousins have Asperger's.


Needless to say, I do what I can with Logan to try to see the signs early, if at all. So far I’ve been fortunate enough to not have to worry about this yet with Logan, and I hope to not have to in the future.

The truth is that there are several families that have the added obsticle of Autism, Asburgers, and ADHD in their lives.

I was recently contacted by “The Brain Balance Achievement Center” and asked to post about their FREE Parent Lecture incase any of you might be interested in going.

When: Tuesday, October 26

7-9pm: Dr. Melillo's Talk for Parents

Where: Valley View Middle School, Edina, MN

Description: The author of the bestselling book "Disconnected Kids" will be here in Minnesota speaking to families of children with neurobehavioral disorders.

RSVP to: excelsior@brainbalancecenters or call (952) 474-4535



Here is a little bit about The Brain Balance Achievement Center:

The Brain Balance Achievement Center, a new learning center for children with learning disabilities such as Autism, ADHD and Asperger's will be opening in Austin. Brain Balance Achievement Centers offer the Brain Balance Program® in more than 30 nationwide locations. The Brain Balance Program® is an individualized and comprehensive approach to helping children with neurobehavioral and learning difficulties surmount their unique challenges. This proprietary, non-medical program has been successful in helping hundreds of children reach their physical, social/behavioral health and academic potential. Please take a look at their website: http://www.brainbalancecenters.com/

A Bitter-Sweet Weekend Ahead

This weekend is going to be a bitter-sweet one. It always has been. This is the weekend that we are going up to the cabin/camper to close it for the season.


Usually I’m sad, depressed, and not looking forward to not being able to go up north any longer until next April or May. This year, I’m so HAPPY to be doing this.

This year I’ve learned to dread going up north. It used to be this place for us to get away. Dustin would work on whatever needed to be worked on – the camper, the cabin, the landscaping, building a new cabin, building a shed, putting in driveways. I on the other hand would relax – lie in the hammock and take a nap or read, cook, take a walk, go for a lazy swim or float on the river. This year Dustin still did everything that he previously did, while I on the other hand didn’t see him at all and instead played with Logan (which of course I love to do, but I do need a break sometimes), changed diapers (which is fine, but could still use a break from as well), still cooked, cleaned even more then I ever have before, and just whatever else you can think of that was NOT relaxing.

In the end, going up north was more work then it used to be and even MORE work then it would have been if Logan and I would have just stayed home. It got to the point toward the end of the season here that I did ALMOST a few times just tell Dustin to just go up on his own and we’d stay home. I decided against doing this just because I still wanted to see Dustin even a LITTLE bit.

I know that my in-laws thought I was crazy this year. I even got a few of the ‘looks’ of “crazy person, stay away” or “OMG, THIS is what Hope is now that she’s a mother?” or just “Why do you even come up if you don’t like it here?” Most of these were when I was ‘yelling’ at Dustin to PLEASE spend time with Logan and me, or to “Hurry up; I have stuff I need to do at home!” on Sundays in the late mornings early afternoons.

It was true though, I did have stuff that needed to be done. Does everyone think that Logan’s food just magically appears in the freezer in Ziploc bags? Does everyone think that a Leprechaun comes and cleans my house when I’m asleep? Does everyone think that the diaper bag fairy comes and organizes and restocks Logan’s diaper bag? Does everyone think that I can get everything I need to get done at home done magically while I’m AWAY from home? WOW, if so then I must really fool everyone. I’m stressed and burnt out on all of these things, but I still do them because it’s what’s best for my family.

Now that the up north season has ended though I will have the time to do what I need to on these weekends. I will probably still be stressed, but not as much. I hope that I won’t be as burnt out, because now I’ll have more time to get everything done. Now I will be able to see my husband on the weekends that he isn’t working on adding money to his paycheck. Now we will be able to get things done at home and will have time together as a family. Oh how I have longed for these days back.

First though we have this weekend to contend with. We have a camper to pack (so basically a second home to pack). Dustin has an outhouse to move for his uncle. I have cooking and cleaning to do…and the BIG TIME cleaning so we hopefully keep the mice out this winter. All while taking care of Logan and trying to entertain my little nut. Plus, we want to try and leave early on Sunday to get home to GET THINGS DONE AT HOME!!

Oh what a weekend I have in store for me!

A date with myself

I love being a mother, I really do. I love being a wife, I really do. But there are these moments in time that I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I feel like I’m going to loose it if I keep going with my life as it is right now…and yet I keep saying to Husband that I want to start trying to have another baby.


I know why I feel this way. It’s because I feel like I start to loose myself and the person that I was before I had a baby and before I got married. Yes I know that this is how life is and how it’s supposed to be. It’s just, there are times that I want to be able to be selfish and just think of myself. There are times that I want to go out drinking, leave the dishes in the sink for a week, not do laundry for a few weeks, and be able to watch what I want when I want to and even more so, be able to take a bath for as long as I want with no interruptions AT ALL. I know that it’s more then this but you get my point. I miss being able to just have life be about me and only me at times.

I know I’m coming of like a selfish person here, but really, truly, honestly, I’m not. I’ve always thought about others before thinking of myself. I’ve always tried to put myself in someone else’s shoes before my own. I’ve always given of myself to others instead of taking from them. That’s just me and who I am. But everyone deserves a little bit of selfishness once in a while.

I try to be super mom and super wife, and that’s part of my problem. I need to learn that life will not be perfect, that I can’t provide and do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE, but it’s hard. I guess I always imagined myself as being the old fashioned kind of person, have the house spotless, the kids bathed, and dinner on the table, all the while going to PTA meetings, volunteering at the hospitals and the kid’s schools, and just doing it all.

I guess I do it all in a different way though. I work, I clean the house, I make dinner, though it’s not on the table when my husband gets home and sometimes doesn’t get eaten until after 8pm, and I take care of Logan and have everything organized for him. I’m sure that I do more, but I’m so tired from all of that I can’t remember.

The point is, life isn’t what I planned but it’s still a great life. I need to learn to be easier on myself, and to ask, make or even force my husband to do things too. I need to know that I’m still me, I’m still Hope, and I’m not just a mother and a wife. And at times that’s all that I feel like.

Does it make me a bad mother and wife to want to just be me on occasion? I don’t think so. In fact, I think it makes me a better one for it. I think that all women need to just be ‘them’ on occasion, that way they can get back in touch with themselves and be ‘all that they can be’ for their family.

So going forward I think that I need to schedule, yes schedule because that is just who I am, a time to be alone and just have ‘me’ time. You know how you schedule a date night with your spouse, well, I think that I need to schedule a date night with me.

Taping the eyes Open

Before we moved into our new house Logan was an alright sleeper at night. I mean, it was much better then what he would originally do. He’d go to bed around 8pm and then I’d dream-feed him around 9:30 or 10:00pm. He wouldn’t wake until about 3:00am after that. Then again around 4:30am or 5:00am, which I’d just tell Dustin to go and get him and bring him to bed…otherwise Logan would just want to be up for the day at that God-awful hour.


When we moved, it was a change. He didn’t feel as comfortable and safe as before. He wasn’t just living in a new place, but he was also changing himself. He started standing and furniture walking around the same time. So needless to say, his sleep, and subsequently mine as well, had been disrupted.

Within the past two weeks Logan has started getting back to his previous routine. Now I’m trying to tweak just one little piece of it though. I would really like for Logan to sleep in his own bed ALL night and not end up in Mommy and Daddy’s bed in the wee early, no bird even up yet, part of the morning.

Last night I started this…to my sleeps dismay! I didn’t start out doing this and it wasn’t my original intention. It was 3:00am, I woke up to NOTHING. I looked at the clock then cursed my own internal clock for knowing that Logan would wake up soon. I mean, those 20 extra minutes are minutes I could be SLEEPING! 3:20 rolled around and Logan made his cry for us to get him and feed him, I in return made a moan of SLEEP…then told Dustin to get the little night bug. He got him; he took about two sips of the mama milk and then proceeded to play with Dustin’s arm pit hair. Yep, I know, but what can I do? He’s a boy, he likes gross things already.

10 minutes of that was enough, and I brought Logan back to his bed so he could talk himself to sleep. That wasn’t what he wanted. So instead he cried, then stopped, waited, listened, then talked, then REPEAT about three more times. We then repeated the process about two more times. Finally it was about 4:45am, Me not sleeping at all during that time listening to both the snoring dude next to me that I was about ready to ‘accidently’ push off the bed just to make sure he knew how mad I was that he could ACTUALLY sleep threw all of what was going on, and of course I was listening to what was going on. I went in and grabbed my boy that was crying “MMMMMMMMMM! MMMMMAAAAA! MMMMAMA!” How could I resist when he was getting so close to saying Mama right? I took him to the living room, and rocked him back to sleep.

I waited for Dustin’s alarm to go off…any minute now. Nope not yet…I want to go to bed!! Come on it has to be 5:15am already, where is that dang alarm sound. (I didn’t want it to wake Logan up.) It never came. So I finally just brought Logan back to his bed and laid him down, praying then thanking God that he didn’t wake up while I did it.

I then proceeded to go to that bedroom that I should have been in all along with that coveted bed and that DAMN man that was SNORING in it! I was planning to make him turn off his alarm and just get up right THEN. Well, he needed to get up anyways; it was 5:30 AM. I didn’t wake him up with a sweet, “Honey, you need to get up.” No I just said in a loud, and very tired and angry “Weren’t you suppose to be up by now!?! It’s 5:30.” He forgot to set his alarm! I had been waiting for it and I gave up those precious minutes in bed for NOTHING. Oh I was mad. I understand now that I’m awake, at work, and thinking, at least a bit more sensibly. But still, I’m sure any mother out there that has had nights like these can sympathize and can see where I was coming from. Sleep was wanted, sleep was needed, sleep was envied, and sleep was my desire at that moment.

So as Dustin jumped out of bed to get ready for work, I crawled back in, covered my head, begging for the most restful 30 minutes of sleep anyone has ever had…and out loud saying “Wake him up and you don’t even WANT to know how mad I’ll be! Have a good day at work honey.” Then commenced the snores.

Now are the days I wish I actually drank coffee, soda, ANYTHING that would give me that jump, upon jump, upon jump of energy I need for the day.

Menards and Baby Clothes

So I’d like to share a picture of our little Logan Nut with all of you. You will notice a particular company being advertised in this picture (MENARDS).

You see, I have been bugging my husband that works for this Menards to bring my request to his work since Logan was born. He finds my request silly and stupid. I find my request adorable and a free marketing spot that has yet gone untapped by them, heck others would be paying THEM to advertise for them! Who doesn’t want to bring more business to one of their favorite stores, this would just keep them in business longer, help them to expand, and to bring more money in. I mean this company could use this untapped market to make some adorable marketing for them. I mean, who wouldn’t want to shop some place where you can get all of your hardware needs PLUS a new bib, hat and mittens, onsie, or pants for your little baby or toddler. How GREAT would that be to be able to put a cute outfit on them?

Don’t believe me? Well here is the evidence right here…

SEE!!  It's so ADORABLE!!!  Even Logan loved being able to support his favorite store...that's right Logan has a favorite store and it's all Menards for him. 
 
MENARDS NEEDS to get a line of baby clothes to go with their adult clothes.  Oh How Cute it would be!!  Now all I have to do is start teaching Logan how to sing "You save big money at Menards!"

Family

Family is the most important thing in my life. It wouldn’t matter if I lived out of my vehicle; as long as I had my family and they were healthy then all would be well in the world. Though, because of my family, I know that it would never come to that point.


I’m just so thankful to have family in my life. I have my husband and my wonderful son…the two in my life that are the most dear to my heart and the most important to me, as I’m sure most mothers would say and feel. Then I have my husband’s abundant family, who are saving Dustin and me so much you wouldn’t believe. They are our life savers when it comes to Logan and his care during the day. (Did you know that it would cost over $200 a week for in home care and nearly $400 a week for center care for Logan?) We are fortunate enough to have Dustin’s family all around us. So his mother and father watch Logan during the day while we are at work and his cousin Mindy watches him until Deb gets off of work on the days that Dustin has to be in early. I really don’t know what I would do with out them!

My sister took my in when I was 15 years old, and by extension when she got married her husband’s family took me in too. I have felt so loved by this family. It has been this family that has taught me what it is to be a mother, to be a wife, and to be a woman in the world. I thank them so much for this…and I’m sure that Dustin and Logan do as well.

I put my family above anything else. Whether that would be the family that adopted me, the family that I married, the family that I grew up with (Carlynn, Joe, Tracy…) or the family that I now have to care for. You are my life, my heart and my soul.

Now, Dustin and I were watching an episode of House the other day. It was the episode where one child was in the hospital dying, and the other child had the means to save her, but it would most likely kill him before his time (he already had an illness that would significantly shorten his life). How do you choose? How do you deal with something like that? How can you even imagine something like that? Oh it would break my heart! They are both family and you are basically saying that one life is more important then the other. In the end they didn’t have to choose….but I won’t ruin the ending completely for you.

Where does this all come from? Well it comes from this past weekend. Boy did we have a full one! Saturday we had my nephew Sam’s 7th birthday party to attend! (Boy do I feel old). Then after that we went to the Booya at Auntie Doe and Uncle Mike’s (though it was Grandma’s Booya)(Dustin’s side of the family). It was so great to see every one together and then so see Logan with Mindy and the kids. I never really get to see them all together or hear the stories from one day to the next; I’m usually rushed so I don’t get to work late.

I love that the family gets together and sees each other. I come from a family that would never really visit each other even if they live in the same state, and I’ve married into one that will schedule gatherings around when people that live out of state are in it (not this event but at least Christmas and Thanksgiving and sometimes one more after that in the summer).

I think many people take for granted their family, they take for granted the fact that they live in the same state, that they are healthy, that they are near by, that they aren’t over seas in the war. I see it all around me, even in my own ‘biological’ family…but family isn’t just what you were born into, but it’s also those that you surround yourself with. I will keep on my Biological family to not take for granted these things, though I’m not sure I will ever get through to them, and I will enjoy the time that I have with all of my extended family and my own little family…until the day and past the day that Logan is pushing me away and not wanting to come home for the Holiday’s. I will still even then insist that he comes home, because he is family, and family belongs together.